Dying to be Thin: A Decentered Hermit Crab Essay
Writer’s Photo
I recently completed the 12-week Spark Your Story Intensive with creator Nicole Breit and teacher Rowan McCandless. Throughout the course, we were introduced to many new forms of creative nonfiction that I had never worked with before, including the Decenterd Hermit Crab Essay. The regular Hermit Crab Essay and this style are both excellent forms to use when writing about social issues and traumatic or difficult personal experiences. The objective is to take an existing form, for example a crossword puzzle, horoscope, employment ad, drug box usage panel, etc., and write the essay within those “found” objects’ perimeters as a way to create something unusual and beautiful, something that is not your typical written-word essay. The unexpected visual elements add depth and character to each piece. These two specific forms are especially good at helping the writer share experiences in a safe manner rather than strictly writing the story down word for word in regular essay form.
When asked to write a Decentered Hermit Crab Essay, I thought of several ideas to work with. I had not planned on using my experience with anorexia, except I felt drawn to put down the words and images as I worked on the piece. I chose to use purple, a brilliant color, for the square grid. I started out with the rich tone and faded it into the palest color I could get before it turned into total gray, leaving the center square void of the color. I also grayed-back the text until the reader could barely see the words - fading into nothingness. I used a photo my mom took of me in high school. She wanted it to be artsy and moody. It certainly turned out that way! I love how my face is barely recognizable. Only part of the right side of my face is illuminated with gray light while the rest fades into blackness. How much of me is real? How much of me is left?
Writing this essay brought up questions from my past as to why I had had anorexia, while using bulimia and binge eating as back ups in the battle against my body, my weight, my self. I read memoirs by authors such as Caroline Knapp (Appetites: What Women Want), Emma Woolf (An Apple a Day: A Memory of Love and Recovery from Anorexia), and Marya Hornbacher (Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia) who also went down the rabbit hole of self-loathing, self-destructive behavior. I was never satisfied with the usual reasons I read about as to why anorexia shows up like an unexpected, never-leaving house guest and is so hard to overcome on one’s own: anorexics have no control over their lives except to refuse to eat; they want to stay childlike and not grow up; they want to emulate fashion models; it’s due to hereditary or stress in their lives. These might have been contributing factors to other women’s eating disorders, but none of these fully resonated with me on a deeper level.
What started out as a “diet” of sorts (I consumed only one grapefruit a day) became a full-blown obsession with losing weight, mainly seeing how fast I could lose it. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with this. Wasn’t every other girl watching her weight? I did not need to lose weight. I was a healthy, horse-loving teen who loved being outside in nature and spending time with my friends, who enjoyed school, learning, reading books and magazines by the dozens. I practiced yoga before yoga became a thing and was a distant runner for my high school track and cross-country teams. I am sure there were triggers of sorts that propelled me toward compulsive behaviors, but I always thought that something whispered in the back of my mind, something just beyond my consciousness, that meant for me to keep losing enough of myself until I became nothing. Then, I wouldn’t have to show up in life anymore and face the internal, never-ending pain that existed in me and all around me all of the time. How do you deal with something you can’t name but can only feel when you are a teenager without any support?
I was lucky. I also know a lot of my friends from high school who also made it. But celebrity women like Caroline Knapp, Margaux Hemmingway, Anne Sexton, and Karen Carpenter were not. Please find help if you are suffering from this serious affliction. National Eating Disorder organization and ANAD (National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders) are two great places to start. You need a team who understands what you’re going through and how to help you best.
MHWF Website.
I donate regularly to the Midwest Horse Welfare Foundation. I have followed them for years and send a portion of the book sales to them quarterly and for their annual fall hay drive. They always need donations for the rescued horses they have in their care.
Author Kerri Lukasavitz and the middle grade Oak Lane Stable Novel Series: Books written for young readers, but enjoyed by horse lovers of all ages.
